[ Psychology ] Open Question : Why dont I feel love?

[ Psychology ] Open Question : Why dont I feel love?

I am in my late teens and have Aspergers Syndrome. I also have social
anxiety that makes going out by myself very challenging. I also am
extremely shy(but can put on a good act when really needed, even though it
drains the life out of me and inside im a mess). When I was 15 I became
very depressed and suicidal and even now I occasionly slip into depressive
episodes which last from a few days to a week. I have a therapist who
helps me with the depressive episodes and social anxiety. I have been
bullied almost my who life and have had friends turn their back on me and
snub me without an explanation. I have also had to deal with the fact that
I have no contact with my birth father, which was a very hard time. I have
also self harmed in the past. I'm really trying hard to turn my life
around, im pushing my shyness boundaries to try to help my social anxiety,
I keep a positive diary(I know, seems very sad), and im eating better. I
should also tell you at this point that I will NEVER go on medication. I
am completely against it and nothing will change that. However, I've known
for a while now that I dont feel love. I have no friends where I live(I
did, but as usual, they ended up being idiots) and am happy being by
myself. I spend almost the whole day in my room learning about various
things and listening to music and this is what makes me happiest. I do
have a few friends where I used to live(one in particular is the most
special) but I just cant be bothered to keep in touch. I dont even miss
them. I do try to put more effort in for my most special friend as she is
important to me and I often find myself smiling when I think of our past
times together but I dont miss her. I dont know why, I just feel empty. I
think I would be sad if I lost her though, but im not sure. As for my
family, I am shy of everyone, my mum the least. I feel judged by them and
even asking them how they are is scary. I hate family trips out, they feel
fake and I feel no warmth when someone says they love me. Everything feels
like so much effort when I have to act like I care. I have never even
loved my past boyfriends before, I would just date them because they liked
me or because I was attracted to them physically. I havent had a crush on
anyone for about 4 years. However, I do feel fondness and warmth for some
people yet this is extremely rare. I feel so bad about this whole thing,
it makes me feel so cruel and heartless(which shows there may be a glimmer
of hope). Why is this? Is it Aspergers? Or could it be my social anxiety?
Its hard to feel warmth for people when youre feeling shy. How can I feel
love again? Will it just return when I no longer have social anxiety and I
no longer get deppressive episodes?